Have you ever run into another
student who is on their phone? Has some asked you to repeat what your were
saying because they were to absorbed in their phones? These are all constant
problems facing college students in this modern era. If one were to look back
into lecture hall 10-15 years ago you would see kids engaged writing note down
on paper; or just passed out asleep. However nowadays if you look you would see
almost every individual full engaged. Engaged not on the teacher but on their
laptops, phones, and tablets. Technology has shortened the average attention
span of teens and young adults. The ability to be connected everywhere; all the
time is altering college student’s ability to be engaged in the physical time
and space. It is changing the general atmosphere and landscape of college
campuses all over the nation.
Make sure to spell-check again. You can also delete "however" from the 5th sentence. Add commas to make sentences more clear, again in the 5th sentence. You need a qualification for "Technology has shortened the average attention span of teens and young adults". You need a "so" in this sentence, because it could be more effective if you had a reason why this was important to your overall paper, as well as in the pitch as a whole. You can link this sentence to the second to last sentence with a comma to give it that "so". You also don't need the semicolon. Generally, I really like your ideas for this paper. - AW
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